The Golden Rule of Dating

The Golden Rule of dating is the same as the Golden Rule for life. Treat others as you would want to be treated.

Some dating sites, like Match.com, make it easy to be polite. If someone sends you an email and you're not interested, the site has several brief prepared responses to gently tell your suitor, "thanks, but no thanks".

I received the following email from a 38 year old man who lived several hours away.

"Hi, I'm XXXXX, and WOW! I loved what you wrote in your profile. Of course I also found you extremely attractive,
with a BEAUTIFUL smile. If we lived closer I'd definitely offer to take you out. Just my luck. It figures. I guess it's
refreshing to know there actually ARE some good ones out there, somewhere. I apologize if my complimentary email
was annoying. Hopefully it was not. Have a great day pretty lady."

This guy went out of his way to be nice. I returned the deed and replied with, "Thank you for the compliments. Good luck with your search."

Short and sweet. It's nice to be nice!

Take Away Message: Follow the Golden Rule in all things in life.

How Not to Write Your First Online Email

If you're familiar with my work, then you know how I feel about the first email you receive on an online dating site. This one (I removed the name and number) pretty much speaks for itself:

hey what up sexy,
don,t know what to say,i like ur profil,im interested in u, i wish we meet one day & just talk,but we can txt if u wish XXX XXX XXX NAME hopefully ill hear from u

And people ask why I'm still single. Would you really respond to this?

Take Away Lesson: You NEED to put some thought into your first email! Further, that includes a little spelling and grammar check!

He's Out of My League

We've all seen it-we walk by a couple and wonder, "What is she doing with him?" Or, "She's so out of his league; how did he land her?" Over the years, here is what I've learned is the answer to account for this. There are no leagues. Sure, people of similar social statures, financial, educational, or physical statuses may have more in common and perhaps, ultimately may have better compatability. But, again, it all comes down to a connection and chemistry. Two people, regardless of whether or not they're on equal footing as far as looks or anything else is concerned, will either have a connection or they won't.

So, don't be afraid to approach the person you think it "out of your league". You never know what type of connection you may have!

Take away lesson: There are no leagues, just connection and chemistry. Take a chance!

Pledge to Either Be Happy with Yourself or Change

It happened again. Another guy told me he was burned by an online dating experience by a girl who posted really old pictures that did not represent her current self. This guy is a good looking, successful business owner, who tried online dating once. He said it was painfully clear that his date had posted really old pictures of herself. Being the nice guy that he is, he didn't mention her false advertising and stayed for the duration of the date. But,feeling duped, he never returned to the world of online dating and later met his current girlfriend at a gym.

Ladies (and gentlemen), you can't deceive and expect it to end well. Either learn to accept yourself and be happy with who you are or commit to improving yourself to be the person you aspire to be.

I've never been a big fan of New Year's resolutions because I adhere to the philosophy that if you really want to make a change, you can decide to do so at any instant and don't need an annual event to push the issue. But, for those who do make resolutions, I suggest you make one to either accept yourself or improve yourself!

Take away lesson: If you aren't comfortable and truthful with yourself, you can't expect anyone else to be comfortable or truthful with you.

An Online Dating Email No-No...TMI

After recently posting guidance on how to craft your initial online dating email to someone, I thought today I would highlight a definite "don't"....too much information.

It's okay to provide information one level deeper than what the person could read about in your profile. It's not okay to provide an autobiography of sensitive information that should be revealed over time.

Case in point-Here's an email I received:

"Hey, I just wanted to say hello...
Obviously, I saw your bio/profile. I really liked what you had to say. I thought it was great/sincere. BTW, your photos are brilliant too! ;)

Well, here's a little more information about me...
My tenure on-line started a few months ago... Just really wanted to see what it was all about, perhaps meet someone interesting / see where that leads... I've made a few contacts but nothing spectacular has happened to date. ...There is so much trite out there (in those profiles) its kind of hard to sort out the real people... Notwithstanding, I'm still searching for my oasis in this cyber-desert (how's that for an abstract metaphor? ...lol) and if I don't find her -perhaps at least I'll meet my doppelganger -which could be fun too :)

I have such an affinity with "timing" -I just have to believe everything happens for a reason... That whole concept of fate/destiny really fascinates me... I believe in windows of opportunities...

Lets see, I got divorced in 2009. I have 3 children; 2 sons & a daughter (ages 17,15 & 11). I share joint custody w/my ex. It works out pretty well... I work for a major IT company doing R&D for numerous fortune 500 clients -I'm very engaged in cutting-edge technologies.

I'm also a real movie buff; l enjoy dramas, dark comedies, & the occasional suspense/thriller. I have a appreciation for art & poetry -even try to do a little painting & writing in my spare time. Lately, I've been taking my kids to a lot concerts & sporting events. We're big sports fans & the music endeavors range from alternative to rock. We have a blast!

Lastly, I love banter -the cerebral witty stuff really resonates w/me...
If you would like to communicate? -drop me a note. Hope to hear from you...

PS My pics are current, the profile pic is from this month (the other ones are all less than 4mo's old) and I weigh 185lbs ...just keeping it real ;)

PS2 I work in the Bedminster area ...just thought it was worth mentioning"

Have I made my point? Way too much info and way too soon.

Take away lesson: Leave some information to be revealed at a later time when emailing someone on a dating site!

Men Must Be Men

It's tough for guys to put themselves out there. I get it. But, a confident, take-charge kind of guy is appealing!

On numerous occasions after a date, I've received the "It was great meeting you. Let me know if you'd like to do it again." text message. In a way, it conveys interest and sounds polite to let the woman decide, but what I want to say is, "Step up and ask me out on a second date if you want a second date!" I've never actually said that, though. Guys, don't put the pressure on the girls. We want to be pursued. If you were interested, go out on a limb and ask us out. Worst case scenario? We say no, but you'll probably never run into us again...not so bad, right?

Take Away Lesson: Men, be men! If you're interested, show it by asking the girl out again. Oh, most importantly, this should be done either on the phone or in person (at the end of the first date), not over text message!

Crafting an Online Dating Email

In previous blogs, I've commented about mistakes people have made in sending an initial email on a dating website. At long last, here are a list of some do's and don't's:

Don't use texting lingo, like "ur pics r so cute". This is an email, not a text...write an email!

Think of a subject line that will get the person's attention. No subject line or a subject of "hi" shows very little effort and creativity. I try to find something in the person's profile that I can briefly comment on, usually in a funny way, to get their attention. Subject lines like I've gotten in the past, such as, "We found your perfect match" at least show some creativity.

Don't propose a date or marriage (yes, it's happened to me) in your first email! The first email should be a brief reach-out to the person to casually express interest, gauge his/her interest, and learn a bit more about the person. No one should accept an offer for a date, or marriage, after receiving one email from a complete stranger. Here's an example that I received from a 29 year old in Brooklyn, "hey beautiful you look amazing in your pictures...we should get together sometime for coffee or a bite to eat". Needless to say, that date didn't take place.

Don't write as if you already know the person. The casual questions like, "How was your day?" are things you ask someone you know, not someone you're trying to get to know.

DO be confident and don't say, "I'm sure you've heard this 100 times..." Here's an example from a 29 year old in Philly, "I'm pretty sure you know this already but you are beautiful. I'm just wondering what the catch is? My guess is 6th toe? Ha, I'm just kidding."

So, what should you write?

Do try to keep the first email brief; a few sentences or so. No need to pour out your life story in email #1...or email #5.

Do refer to information in the person's profile so that they know you read it. It also shows that you are interested in getting to know more about something specific about them. If they say they're into fitness or sports, you can ask what they do to stay in shape or what sports they watch or play. If they say they love movies, you can ask what their top recommendation is or what type of movies they like best.

Do ask at least one question. Crafting the first email can be hard. Make it easier for the recipient to reply by giving them at least one question to respond to.

It doesn't hurt to toss in a tactfully worded compliment or two. Nothing over the top and be genuine.

Do be mindful of spelling and grammar...it's a pet peeve for some (myself included). The first email starts to give the person an impression of you. How you write will create an image of your intelligence.

Take Away Lesson: Put in some effort...this could be your first communication with your future spouse!

Dumb Move # 3

As far as dumb moves go, this one is pretty high up there. While on a FIRST date with a guy, I saw him look at his phone. He then announced to me that a girl that he connected with on a dating site was texting him to ask if he wanted to go out later that night. To insert his foot even further into his mouth, he proceeded to tell me that the girl seemed to be obsessed with him and found him on Facebook.

Internal dialog while this was occurring: Are you really serious right now?!? While on a first date with me you're going to tell me that you're being asked out by another girl at that moment in time?!

If he was trying to make himself appear to be a hot commodity, it certainly did not work on me. I thought it was very rude and inconsiderate. While the date wasn't knocking me off my feet otherwise, I would have likely considered a second date until this happened. This dumb move sealed the deal.

Oh, and speaking of "obsessed", after we parted ways, he texted within about 10 minutes to see if I'd be interested in another date. I was still driving home from our first (and last) date when I received the text. When I arrived home about 20 minutes later, I had another text message from him asking if he said anything wrong. Ya think?

Take Away Message: Don't try to make yourself appear to be a "wanted" item.

Be Genuine...Or, At Least Don't Confess That You're Not Genuine!

When I receive a first email from a guy on a dating site, I want to know that he read my profile. I want to see some evidence of him putting a little effort into the email. Comment or ask me a question about something in my profile to show that you're actually interested in something about me. It may be a move, but at least go through the motions!

A 38-year old in NJ wrote me this:
"Hi, I like your profile, and would like to get to know you. Now, before you say it.. Yes, this is a copy, and paste. I'm sorry, but I
just don't have the time to read everyone's profile, and craft an individualized email to all. I understand that women on (NAME OF DATING SITE)get bombarded with emails, and I am but one amongst the masses. I am however truly interested in getting to know you. So, if you check out my profile, and are truly interest, then don't hesitate to email a "hi" back. Once I received that, then I'd be more then happy to email you something that's definitely more personal than a copy, and paste.

Hope to hear from you soon."

I don't know if my favorite part is when he says he is "truly interested" in getting to know me or that he hopes he will hear back from me. The former is likely not true and the latter....well, that's one wish that will not be fulfilled!

Take Away Lesson: A girl wants to know that you are interested in HER, not that you're just throwing things against the wall to see what sticks! Put a personal touch on your communications!

It's Not That I'm Playing Hard to Get...I'm Not into You.

With some girls playing coy and hard to get with guys, it's no wonder that some guys can't take the hint when you're trying to quietly and gracefully drift away and fade into the background. Don't get me wrong, I think a little persistence is admirable and demonstrates interest, but there comes a time when a guy needs to take the hint.

In this first example, I was contacted by a 38-year old guy in NJ on a dating website and I declined to respond. Here is the subsequent email that I received from him:

"A few days back I sent you an email, however I still haven’t heard anything back yet. I’m not sure why you haven’t responded, but if you have never done this before, I can bet you’re a bit apprehensive. I’m sure getting 50 emails a day from 60-year old men asking for a massage can be a bit scary.
If you’re still single, and I’m thinking that’s a safe bet since you’re on the site, then we should talk sometime…I have a feeling you’ll like it.
As I said in my other email, I’m passionate, funny and have my life together.
Worst case – you might make a cool friend…so let’s chat sometime."

This approach didn't go over well with me (aside from the fact that I truly wasn't interested after his first email). Too presumptious...and a little weird. Since there had been no contact between us aside from his emails, I decided that refraining from any contact was the best approach.

In the second example, I had been out on two dates with the guy, which makes things a bit more tricky. After the second date, I was clear that there was no chemistry between us; he unfortunately, didn't come to the same conclusion. If a guy is really interested after a second date, I would expect a phone call. He texted, but maybe he picked up on my lack of interest, so I'll let that one slide. After a few periodic texts, to which I did reply, I had to eventually send him a "send off" text message to politely say that I just didn't feel chemistry between us.

In my experience, it's generally appreciated if you politely let the other person know that you simply don't feel a connection. They can't fault you for that. You're saving them from wasted time and energy.

Take away lesson: Honesty and politeness is usually the best policy.

Head vs. Heart

It's a battle, as well as an un-answered question, that's probably existed since the dawn of time....should you listen to your head or your heart?

Some married people say that it takes more than love to make a marriage work and that you need to use your head to think about whether or not the person you may decide to spend your life with can actually provide the type of life that you want. But, with the prevalence of divorce being what it is, I'm not so sure married people can give sound advice. Too often, I've admired a seemingly happy married couple only to learn they later got divorced.

Putting input from other people aside, I recently took a step back to ponder the question. Here is where I landed. If matters of love aren't the correct circumstances in which to trust your heart, then what circumstances WOULD more appropriately call for a "heart" decision? I'm not saying throw all logic and judgement out the window, but if it's a close call between your head and your heart, maybe tip the scales in favor of your heart in matters of love.

Take away lesson: Take logic into consideration, but don't ignore your heart.

Do You Believe in Love at First Sight?

Do I believe in love at first sight? Absolutely not. Do I believe in chemistry at first sight? Absolutely.

How can you love something if you don't know anything about it (other that how it looks)? Love at first sight would be like saying you love a perfume just by the way the bottle looks. It's what's inside the bottle that determines if you love the perfume. How can you love it if you've never smelled it? How can you love it if you don't know how it mixes with your chemistry? Loving a person comes from knowing a person and that certainly doesn't happen at first glance.

Take away lesson: Don't mistake chemistry (which, don't get me wrong, you should have chemistry with someone) with actual love.

Safety First!

Recently, a morning radio talk show was listing off things a magazine (it may have been Cosmo) article suggested as first date ideas. Two of the ideas were either cooking or ordering take-out at your place or their place. Nooooo! If this is truly a first date (assuming it's not someone you've been set up with by a friend who knows this person very well), then this is a TOTAL stranger and your first date should definitely be in public. AND, you should drive yourself. When guys offer to pick me up for the first or even second date, I say I'll decline. It's a nice gesture on their part, but you need to be in a public place and have your own car in case you need to make a quick get-a-way (for any reason).

Aside from the possible risks associated with having a first or second date at one of your residences, there are other drawbacks to this scenario. Let's assume both you and your date are totally normal people without even a hint of "crazy" in you and there is no risk of danger. An at-home date just makes the chances of ending up in the bedroom, or on the couch, or really anywhere, for that matter, a little to likely. Hey, live your life as you see fit, those aren't the kind of first or second dates that I want to have. Nor do I want a guy who wants a girl who wants those kinds of dates.

Take away lesson: Assess the risk of situations and take measures to be in control of your own safety. You may be able to barely trust that the person is really single, so would you really entrust your safety in them?

10 Dates in One Night?

How could someone have 10 dates in one night? Well, they are short dates, sometimes 8-minutes, or so, and it's called speed dating. It's not unlike how it's portrayed in movies (like Hitch). I've done it once and this is what my experience was like...

There is a cost and it commonly covers some light food and maybe even your first drink. The event I attended was broken down into different age categories. I signed up with a friend to be more comfortable. The event was hosted at a bar, which was still open for business to other customers (that will be relevant a little later in the story). After a little mingling with the crowd who was signed up for the event, instructions were given by the coordinator. Each female was assigned a table. Everyone was given a score card of sorts so that you could keep track of who you met, in what order, and if you were interested in exchanging contact information in the future. You were not allowed to share contact information directly. Once the women were seated, the men randomly selected their first table (and first date). Each couple spent a very meaningful 8-minutes getting to know each other before the men rotated to the next table.

There was one male no-show, so during each round, a female had to sit out. During my turn to sit out, I ended up talking to another guy who just happened to be at the bar that night. He ended up being the only guy I was interested in and we exchanged numbers.

All in all, did I like it? Well, I liked that you could initially get a sense of whether or not you have chemistry with someone (which is not the case with online dating). Plus, you were guaranteed to meet and talk to people, which isn't always the case when you go out for a night on the town. However, on the flip side, you can easily scan the room before the event begins and determine if you find anyone attractive. As in my case, the answer was no and I was stuck there for the rest of the night. If you really have trouble making small talk and hate those initial few minutes of a first date (since basically speed dating IS the first few minutes of a date), then speed dating may not be ideal for you.

After the event, everyone is instructed to log into a website to report back on which individuals you would want to pursue. The coordinating company then facilitates the exchange of information.

So, while the event itself didn't produce true love for me, I got to spend a night out with a friend and ended up meeting someone else in the process!

Take away lesson: Take a shot. You never know what may happen!

Don't Be Jaded

Yes, after years of the single life and internet dating, it would be very easy to become jaded by the whole process. I caution against this because you never know if the next person you meet or the next person who reads your profile will be "the one" and if your negativity is glaring, it will likely be a big turn off.

I encountered a profile of a 30-year old in New York whose headline was "No drama please". By far, the most obnoxious profile I ever came across was that of a psychotherapist. He was a decent looking guy and with my background in psychology, I thought there could be a common ground between us and perhaps chemistry, so I read the profile. I'll let you be the judge of who needs therapy.

Here is his profile:
"About me: Psychotherapist. Singer/songwriter. Very active. Extremely athletic. Foodie. Concert-goer. Bar-hopper. Witty. Driven. Kind-hearted. Competitive. Free-spirited. I'm what you get if Sigmeund Freud and Amy Winehouse had a **stard child. Meaning I'm an analytical thinker that loves to party. But, somehow I didn't develop a bad drug habit.

About you: You are bold, kind, and attempting to be peaceful. Your concerns in life are how to be a better person, how to enjoy little moments, and how to cope with the issues in the world today. Materialistic demands are inconsequential. Mostly, you are on a path to knowing who you are and we can share that journey together. Unfortunately, most on here seem to be Gucci on the outside and Kmart on the inside, so this might be a stretch.

About us: We are best friends whom kiss. We travel. We laugh, dance, and frolic (literally and figuratively). We cherish our moments together, yet respect each others independence. We enjoy other's company whether we are people-watching on a bench or during a crazy night out. It's good times. It's special. It's little moments.
****INTERNET DATING****
In my experience, I’ve learned that nobody is going to read what I’m about to write. Yet, I’m writing and posting it anyway, so not sure what that says about me. Actually, that’s not fair. A few people will read this essay. Most will assume it’s over-analysis because I’m a psychologist. And your assumptions will be wrong. It’s commentary.

Apparently women (and when I refer to women, I’m referring to the greater majority on internet dating sites) are perfectly satisfied describing themselves with adjectives and common phrases. You all (and by all I mean 90 percent of you) are the following things: fun, outgoing, down to earth, love to stay in, but also go out, love your family, and love your friends. That’s great and I’m sure all these things are true, not that it matters. What is striking is that women (yes, internet daters) would rather list a string of supposedly desirable characteristics than write an interesting profile. I could ask why. But, I suppose there are several reasons. I am just hoping the main reason isn’t that they are not capable of doing so. Meaning go ahead and tell me you're intelligent despite your profile of mispelled words. As long as you have a reason for it.

It’s almost more interesting when I come across a profile with the headline, “not trashy and not looking to hook up,” which is then followed by pictures of the very same girl posing in front of the mirror in thigh highs and showing enough cleavage to fill my morning orange juice glass.

Also it seems a lot of you want a "real man," that doesn't "play games." Those two statements are only in 75.6 percent of all profiles. I'm not sure what either means except apparantly most of you don't desire a Robot that plays Pictionary.

Perhaps the worst part about all of this is that you (the internet dater I might or might not be referring to) expect a witty e-mail from a male in pursuit of your fun, outgoing, down to earth self. Some even go as far as to request it. Many profiles say things like, “don’t come at me with hey what’s up” or “if you write me have something original to say, not just how’s your day.” Or some say something in the vein of “I’m going to delete your e-mail if you come at me with, hey ma, what’s crackalacking soul sister,” (Ok I made that last one up).

What’s left? We are all judged based upon how we look. This is a consequence of the mass of unoriginally written profiles (87.45 percent of profiles). There is nothing left to separate one women from another. I guess it should not come as much surprise that internet dating has evolved into a microcosm of superficiality and materialism, which engulfs our society. But, I am not here to discuss that. The point is...Wait, what's the point :)"

Take away lesson: Keep things positive, even if it's a struggle.

Insta-Family

The decision of whether or not you are someone who is truly open to dating someone with kids is a big one. I've gone back and forth on this, but know it's definitely not my ideal situation. Several years ago, I agreed to go on a date with someone who had custody of his young child. I thought to myself, "Ok, maybe he's mature (which is often a challenge to fine) because he's had to grow up fast and become a father." Turned out, he had a more active social life than I did as a single person! Bascially, his parents were raising his kid so that he could sleep late, have a leisurely cup of coffee in the morning while he read the newspaper, and hit the bars 3 times a week. So, I swore off dating guys with kids for a while.

Recently, I came across an online dating profile for a guy who was clearly, CLEARLY a dad. Let me start by saying that I appreciate being upfront about it and not concealing it, but this was over the top. His screen name had the word "dad" incorporated into it, so that was the first tipoff. His profile went on and on about how he and the kids are getting on just fine and which night of the week he could go on a date due to the babysitter's availability. It was far too much for me. On the flipside, it was an eye opener to get a glimpse into the reality of dating someone with kids.

Take away message: Getting involved in the life of someone who has kids involved in their life is a big decision. Think long and hard before you find yourself too far down the road.

Mr. Right or Mr. Good Enough?

Some people have done it. Some people have suggested that I do it. What is "it"? Marrying someone you don't feel passion for. Basically, settling. "You could have married 'so and so'; you would have had a good life with him." That's what they tell me. Having been in a relationship or two without a lot of chemistry and feeling what a struggle it was, I know there is no way I could do that for the rest of my life.

I came across an interesting artice on this topic recently (link is below) and the line that summed it up for me was: "When it comes to finding the love of your life, settling for Mr. (or Miss) Good Enough is a recipe for dissatisfaction, if not disaster."

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/is-there-such-a-thing-as-mr-good-enough-2498111/

Take away lesson: Know yourself and decide whether or not the wait is really worth waiting for. Be honest with yourself about whether or not you can endure a life without passionate love.

Dumb Move #2

Here is the second installation in a long line of "dumb moves" that I've experienced guys make. This one has to do with contacting people on a dating website. I received a really cheesy email from a guy. Sooo....I deleted it. Within a few short weeks, I received the same exact email from the same guy. This time, I didn't delete it.
Here's how I responded:

“You've already used that line with me. Didn't work then and it's not working now. You should keep better track of who you contact.”

Either he really wasn't keeping track of who he was contacting or he knew he contacted me before and thought he'd take a second shot. Either way, it didn't work.

Take away lesson: There's nothing wrong with casting a wide net, but know who you have contacted previously! And, of course, don't send cheesy emails!

A Well-Crafted Online Dating Profile Will Earn You Some Love

A well-written online dating profile will get you some love. Well, maybe not the romantic, true love that you're seeking, but it will get you some kudos! There's a lot to know about the art of creating a good online dating profile and in future posts, I'll lay out some of my best tips. For now, I'll show you what type of responses a good online profile (a.k.a. MY profile) will get you. Here is an initial email (grammatical errors and all) that I received from a guy in Connecticut:

Just wanted to say I think your profile is rather stunning, I honestly dont give out too many accolades and I have no idea how I ended up in your part of the world since I live in Coastal CT but regardless we should breed haha.
In all seriousness I need your gene pool to create the ultimate supermodel genius child...What do you say! you in!? ;) Think of it as an investment! He or she will grow up and no doubt generate billions of dollars and cure cancer or something...Its the least we can do!
Food for thought..haha

Here is another email that I received from a 34 year old in NYC:

I must say, you certainly know how to put together a rather compelling profile. From what I can tell, you're witty, vibrant, ambitious, quite stunning & we seem to share a number of common interests including fitness & the beach. I will say that I'm very proficient in the kitchen, as well as other rooms in the house. Yes, I can run a mean load of laundry as well. I'll leave the dessert ideas up to you. I trust your judgement. :-) That being said, drop me a line when you're ready for some added excitement in your life. I'm an RU alum, so perhaps we could meet in New Brunswick next week for some fun...

Take away lesson: A good profile does get attention, so put in the effort when creating it.

Dumb Move #1

In my years of dating, I've experienced a lot of dumb moves. Dumb. Really dumb. From time to time, I'll share some of these stories. However, as always, in an effort to try to keep a semi-balance between the gender issues on this site, I'm tagging the females for the first dumb move. Can't say that I've experienced this one firsthand, but I've had several guys relay this experience to me. It deals with an issue I've already tackled on this site--photos on online dating profiles. More specifically, the age of the photos on online dating profiles.

I have never walked into a first date and immediately realized that I was completely duped by old photos on his profile. Unless I've just been lucky, this seems to be a more common trick amongst the women. Guy after guy has told me that in their dating experiences, they've encountered situations in which after meeting the girl in person, it was very clear that her online profile had very old pictures. I always ask them them the same question, "Did you stay?" I can't believe it, but they've all said that they felt too bad to leave. If this ever happened to me, I would walk out with NO qualms about it. If someone has been deceitful, why do I owe them any courtesy? While the guys I spoke to were kind enough to stay, none of them were interested in a second date. So, really, where did you get yourselves, ladies? You may think that it won't matter because the guy will fall in love with your personality before he sets eyes on you. Even if in some fairytale land that actually happened, you've started off your potential relationship lying and not many people would stand for that.

Take away lesson: Cast yourself in a positive light; share flattering information and pictures about yourself. There's no reason to air dirty laundry on date number 1, but don't deceive people with old pictures. No one wins in this scenario.

Love is Not a Science!

It's true; love is not a science. Relationships are all different. The chemistry and connection between every two unique individuals IS unique! Therefore, I don't believe love and relationships are things that people can go to school and obtain a degree for. My degrees are in psychology, which helps me better understand people. The brain and the mind are sciences that can be studied. I call myself the Dating Dr. in jest. Follow your heart and your gut.

So, where is this rant coming from? Tonight, I was searching for other dating blogs to get some ideas for topics of future posts. I came across a site by someone claiming, "I am a personal trainer for women who want to fall in love." Really? Come on. Seriously? That's a crock. He calls himself a dating coach for strong, smart, successful women. Literally, this is what his website says. We're talking about love. It's like life. There is no instruction book. There are no clear cut rights or wrongs. By all means, take some well-intentioned advice (like my blog), but at the end of day, do what feels right and true to you.

Take away lesson: Love is not a science that can be mastered and taught to others!

When the First Impression is Already Too Late

How could you blow your chances before you even make your first impression? Several ways, actually. Today, I'll explain one.

A while ago, I was at work and saw the name and number of a co-worker come up on the display of my phone. Assuming it was a business call, I answered the phone. Well, it was a co-worker calling, but it wasn't a business call. She said she thought she knew a guy I might be interested in. She said she knew him for years and recently while he was having dinner with her and her husband, he spoke about wanting to "settle down" and get married. She said she immediately thought of me and showed him my picture on Facebook. She said he thought I was very pretty and assumed I must have a boyfriend. She told him that she and I hadn't talked in a while, so she would check to see if I was single these days. She then came to my office so that she could pull up his picture on Facebook for me to look at. I looked at his pictures and profile and everything looked promising! He was attractive, lived in the area, was in my target age range, was the same ethnicity, owned his own business,...even had a full head of hair... all systems were a-go! I gave her my phone number and email address so that she could give him my contact information.

She was kind enough to send an introductory email to us both, asking him to call me and providing my number.......tick, tock, tick, tock.....the phone is not ringing! A few weeks passed by and still no call; not even an email from him. At that point, my interest in him was gone. A guy should never sit on a girl's phone number for over a week without using it.

If you encounter a similar situation and you're on the one in my shoes, don't take it personally. These things happen and you'll probably never know the reason why.

Take away lesson: People may start to form impressions of you before you even formally meet or speak with them. Be conscious of what your actions (or inactions) may be saying to others.

From the Male Perspective

Today, I'm going to give the floor to the men to have their say. Well, one man. Specifically, a 29 year old guy in Philadelphia. He took a very interesting approach to his online dating profile. He chose to use it as a venue to convey some thoughts to women.

Without any further delay, I give you "Rules for Women" (according to this guy). Agree? Disagree? Let me know.

Rules For Women
This is a list of rules that guys wished women knew…

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up put it down.
2. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.
3. Don’t make us guess.
4. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
5. Sometimes, he’s not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. He’s never thinking about “The Relationship.”
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like every other cat.
8. Dogs are better than cats.
9. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
10. Shopping is not everybody’s idea of a good time.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
17. No, he doesn’t know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
18. Share the bathroom
19. Share the closet.
20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like sex in the morning.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
26. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.
27. If you think you’re getting on the heavy side, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
28. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
29. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
30. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
32. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
33. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
34. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Online Dating Profile Pictures-Avoiding False Advertising

Let's face it. Wanting or not wanting a first date with someone usually comes down to the level of physical attraction. In the online dating world, you have two things to go off of to decide if you want to go on a first date with the person-pictures and the profile. When you "meet" someone online, you miss out on seeing them in action, experiencing their charm, and feeling any chemistry. ALL you have is a still picture and some words on a computer screen. I'll spend some time addressing do's and don't's for online dating profiles in future posts, but today, I'm going to focus on the pictures.

In case it hasn't already been made clear, every piece of information in these blogs will always be real. This is a real-life glimpse into the dating world (from my perspective of course!). To respect the anonymity of all, I'll never disclose anyone's name. In future entries, I'll talk about not coming off as jaded by the dating process in your online profile (and show you an example of a guy who should have taken my advice). To be clear, I'm not jaded by this single life--just thought I'd finally share some of the lessons I've learned along the way in a very direct and sarcastic manner that is classically...me!

LIVE by these rules!
#1 No pics=no date. Plain and simple. What are you hiding?
#2 More than one picture is needed. People can look very different in multiple photographs.
#3 Include a full body shot and a headshot. Here's where some false advertising can come into play. Posting only headshots leaves a person wondering what the rest of you looks like and again, this is a game of attraction.

Here are some more general pointers. This one is more for the guys. Don't only post pictures in which you are wearing a hat. As we get older, women want to see what's under that hat!
Avoid posting group pictures. First off, these pictures tend to be taken from further away, thus making it more hard to see detail. Next, sometimes it's hard to pick out which one the right person is! Finally, think hard before posting a picture of you standing directly next to someone else of the same sex. The person looking at the picture may just think the other person is more attractive! (Ouch! Sorry, it's true.) Also, if you're cropping someone out of the picture, for God's sake, do a good cropping job! Particularly if you're cropping out someone of the opposite sex, chances are, people are going to think it was a pic of you and an ex.
Post recent pictures. This gets back to false advertising. Be honest with people. You would want the same respect. She or he is going to find out eventually if you meet!
Keep in mind that you'll likely attract what you are advertising. So, a pic of you with your finger up your nose (no lie; a 31 year old man in NY did this), you're going to attract a "special" type. Also, keep your shirts on! Again, be mindful of what you're trying to attract. If you're only looking for something physical, then have at it.
Don't include pictures of pets, landscapes, cars, etc. You can convey what your interests are in the written profile. Again, the pics are about being able to decide if there is physical attraction.
Here's my favorite one....drum roll.....For the love of God, find a friend, a relative, a trained monkey, ANYONE to take your picture for you! No more bathroom mirror cell phone pictures, please!

When looking at someone else's pictures, here's a tip that comes in handy. Look for date/time stamps on the pictures. This is obviously the best way to tell how old someone's picture is.

Now, didn't you learn a lot here today? :)

Take away lesson: Keep it clean. Be honest. Take recent pictures and have someone else actually take the picture!

Some basics-texting

For my first post, I thought I'd start with a basic issue that irks me...texting. Texting is a great way to keep in communication with someone and gauge their interest, but it has to be used in the right way.

Let's look at a quick online dating scenario. You and I found eachother on a dating website. We've exchanged several emails and you've asked for my number. So far, we're off to a good start, right? I give you my number and a few days later, receive a text telling me what town you're thinking of going out to for a drink that night and asking if I have any interest in joining you. Let's hit the pause button--what just happened? First off, you never gave me your number, so when I receive your text, I can only assume it's you. Second, THIS is our first form of communication outside of email? Don't set up a date over text message unless you're simply finalizing the details of the plan. If I give you my number, I expect you to pick up the phone and call (and, I'll add, within a reasonable amount of time), not text me.

Guys, if you're able to get the digits, be a man, pick up the phone and ask the girl out.

Here's another reason I would NEVER agree to a date over text message with someone I've never spoken to on the phone-safety. Ladies, be smart and be careful. As it is, with online dating, you're meeting a stranger. Believe me when I tell you that a brief conversation can reveal a lot about a person and in many instances, I've decided to not agree to a date after one phone call because of red flags that were raised during the discussion. The flags can range from anything as simple as personality clashes to incessant use of pet names, like "cutie" or "sweetie". If someone is using affectionate nicknames towards someone they've never met, they're either not genuine or looking for an insta-girlfriend. Either way, run.

After the first date, I think texting is a great way to put out a feeler to see if the person is interested. Generally speaking, I think the female may be the more insecure of the two sexes, so I think it's incumbent upon the guy to reach out, if he's interested. However, a few days after the first date, one of you has to pick up the phone and call the other one, again, if you're interested. Communication is the only way to get to know eachother better and this can't be done as effectively through text messages. Being that I'm looking for a guy with old fashioned manners, I would look for the guy to make that call. But, if the guy took the first step to initiate texting after the first date, then the girl may want to show her interest by making the first post-date call.

Take-away lesson: Use text messages strategically. They should never be used as the first point of contact and should never be used to ask someone out on a first date.

Meet the Dating Doctor

Hi, I'm the "Dating Doctor"!

So, why am I so presumptuous as to refer to myself as the "Dating Doctor"? When it comes to dating, I've tried it all--blind dates, various dating websites, speed dating, even match makers. I've perfected the art of the online dating profile to the point where many guys who contact me ask how on earth I am still single. It's been years since a guy hasn't wanted a second date after a first one. With years worth of dating experience and war stories, I've been told that I should have written a book. Well, I figured a blog may be the next best thing! With so many attempts at finding "Mr. Right", some women in my shoes may resort to lowering their standards and settling for "Mr. Right Now". Not this chick. Herein lies why I am still single. To say I've been disappointed with the caliber of single men would be an understatement. Lots of books have been written (I've even read a few of them) about the differences between men and women, how to find your true love, and the "rules" to follow to play the game. What I will offer here is real-life stories with real quick advice.

As a general disclaimer, I'd like to state upfront that this blog is not intended to generalize both genders and cast either in a fully positive or negative light. I'm a very objective person and I call it like I see it. If you feel you're a guy that broke the mold and is the antithesis of the types of guys I've encountered, I'd love to hear from you! Give some of the other guys some pointers.

Clearly, given that I'm still in the dating game, I have not yet found Mr. Right. So, I encourage you to post your stories and questions so that we can all improve the dating environment out there!