Do I believe in love at first sight? Absolutely not. Do I believe in chemistry at first sight? Absolutely.
How can you love something if you don't know anything about it (other that how it looks)? Love at first sight would be like saying you love a perfume just by the way the bottle looks. It's what's inside the bottle that determines if you love the perfume. How can you love it if you've never smelled it? How can you love it if you don't know how it mixes with your chemistry? Loving a person comes from knowing a person and that certainly doesn't happen at first glance.
Take away lesson: Don't mistake chemistry (which, don't get me wrong, you should have chemistry with someone) with actual love.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
Safety First!
Recently, a morning radio talk show was listing off things a magazine (it may have been Cosmo) article suggested as first date ideas. Two of the ideas were either cooking or ordering take-out at your place or their place. Nooooo! If this is truly a first date (assuming it's not someone you've been set up with by a friend who knows this person very well), then this is a TOTAL stranger and your first date should definitely be in public. AND, you should drive yourself. When guys offer to pick me up for the first or even second date, I say I'll decline. It's a nice gesture on their part, but you need to be in a public place and have your own car in case you need to make a quick get-a-way (for any reason).
Aside from the possible risks associated with having a first or second date at one of your residences, there are other drawbacks to this scenario. Let's assume both you and your date are totally normal people without even a hint of "crazy" in you and there is no risk of danger. An at-home date just makes the chances of ending up in the bedroom, or on the couch, or really anywhere, for that matter, a little to likely. Hey, live your life as you see fit, those aren't the kind of first or second dates that I want to have. Nor do I want a guy who wants a girl who wants those kinds of dates.
Take away lesson: Assess the risk of situations and take measures to be in control of your own safety. You may be able to barely trust that the person is really single, so would you really entrust your safety in them?
Aside from the possible risks associated with having a first or second date at one of your residences, there are other drawbacks to this scenario. Let's assume both you and your date are totally normal people without even a hint of "crazy" in you and there is no risk of danger. An at-home date just makes the chances of ending up in the bedroom, or on the couch, or really anywhere, for that matter, a little to likely. Hey, live your life as you see fit, those aren't the kind of first or second dates that I want to have. Nor do I want a guy who wants a girl who wants those kinds of dates.
Take away lesson: Assess the risk of situations and take measures to be in control of your own safety. You may be able to barely trust that the person is really single, so would you really entrust your safety in them?
Friday, July 29, 2011
10 Dates in One Night?
How could someone have 10 dates in one night? Well, they are short dates, sometimes 8-minutes, or so, and it's called speed dating. It's not unlike how it's portrayed in movies (like Hitch). I've done it once and this is what my experience was like...
There is a cost and it commonly covers some light food and maybe even your first drink. The event I attended was broken down into different age categories. I signed up with a friend to be more comfortable. The event was hosted at a bar, which was still open for business to other customers (that will be relevant a little later in the story). After a little mingling with the crowd who was signed up for the event, instructions were given by the coordinator. Each female was assigned a table. Everyone was given a score card of sorts so that you could keep track of who you met, in what order, and if you were interested in exchanging contact information in the future. You were not allowed to share contact information directly. Once the women were seated, the men randomly selected their first table (and first date). Each couple spent a very meaningful 8-minutes getting to know each other before the men rotated to the next table.
There was one male no-show, so during each round, a female had to sit out. During my turn to sit out, I ended up talking to another guy who just happened to be at the bar that night. He ended up being the only guy I was interested in and we exchanged numbers.
All in all, did I like it? Well, I liked that you could initially get a sense of whether or not you have chemistry with someone (which is not the case with online dating). Plus, you were guaranteed to meet and talk to people, which isn't always the case when you go out for a night on the town. However, on the flip side, you can easily scan the room before the event begins and determine if you find anyone attractive. As in my case, the answer was no and I was stuck there for the rest of the night. If you really have trouble making small talk and hate those initial few minutes of a first date (since basically speed dating IS the first few minutes of a date), then speed dating may not be ideal for you.
After the event, everyone is instructed to log into a website to report back on which individuals you would want to pursue. The coordinating company then facilitates the exchange of information.
So, while the event itself didn't produce true love for me, I got to spend a night out with a friend and ended up meeting someone else in the process!
Take away lesson: Take a shot. You never know what may happen!
There is a cost and it commonly covers some light food and maybe even your first drink. The event I attended was broken down into different age categories. I signed up with a friend to be more comfortable. The event was hosted at a bar, which was still open for business to other customers (that will be relevant a little later in the story). After a little mingling with the crowd who was signed up for the event, instructions were given by the coordinator. Each female was assigned a table. Everyone was given a score card of sorts so that you could keep track of who you met, in what order, and if you were interested in exchanging contact information in the future. You were not allowed to share contact information directly. Once the women were seated, the men randomly selected their first table (and first date). Each couple spent a very meaningful 8-minutes getting to know each other before the men rotated to the next table.
There was one male no-show, so during each round, a female had to sit out. During my turn to sit out, I ended up talking to another guy who just happened to be at the bar that night. He ended up being the only guy I was interested in and we exchanged numbers.
All in all, did I like it? Well, I liked that you could initially get a sense of whether or not you have chemistry with someone (which is not the case with online dating). Plus, you were guaranteed to meet and talk to people, which isn't always the case when you go out for a night on the town. However, on the flip side, you can easily scan the room before the event begins and determine if you find anyone attractive. As in my case, the answer was no and I was stuck there for the rest of the night. If you really have trouble making small talk and hate those initial few minutes of a first date (since basically speed dating IS the first few minutes of a date), then speed dating may not be ideal for you.
After the event, everyone is instructed to log into a website to report back on which individuals you would want to pursue. The coordinating company then facilitates the exchange of information.
So, while the event itself didn't produce true love for me, I got to spend a night out with a friend and ended up meeting someone else in the process!
Take away lesson: Take a shot. You never know what may happen!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Don't Be Jaded
Yes, after years of the single life and internet dating, it would be very easy to become jaded by the whole process. I caution against this because you never know if the next person you meet or the next person who reads your profile will be "the one" and if your negativity is glaring, it will likely be a big turn off.
I encountered a profile of a 30-year old in New York whose headline was "No drama please". By far, the most obnoxious profile I ever came across was that of a psychotherapist. He was a decent looking guy and with my background in psychology, I thought there could be a common ground between us and perhaps chemistry, so I read the profile. I'll let you be the judge of who needs therapy.
Here is his profile:
"About me: Psychotherapist. Singer/songwriter. Very active. Extremely athletic. Foodie. Concert-goer. Bar-hopper. Witty. Driven. Kind-hearted. Competitive. Free-spirited. I'm what you get if Sigmeund Freud and Amy Winehouse had a **stard child. Meaning I'm an analytical thinker that loves to party. But, somehow I didn't develop a bad drug habit.
About you: You are bold, kind, and attempting to be peaceful. Your concerns in life are how to be a better person, how to enjoy little moments, and how to cope with the issues in the world today. Materialistic demands are inconsequential. Mostly, you are on a path to knowing who you are and we can share that journey together. Unfortunately, most on here seem to be Gucci on the outside and Kmart on the inside, so this might be a stretch.
About us: We are best friends whom kiss. We travel. We laugh, dance, and frolic (literally and figuratively). We cherish our moments together, yet respect each others independence. We enjoy other's company whether we are people-watching on a bench or during a crazy night out. It's good times. It's special. It's little moments.
****INTERNET DATING****
In my experience, I’ve learned that nobody is going to read what I’m about to write. Yet, I’m writing and posting it anyway, so not sure what that says about me. Actually, that’s not fair. A few people will read this essay. Most will assume it’s over-analysis because I’m a psychologist. And your assumptions will be wrong. It’s commentary.
Apparently women (and when I refer to women, I’m referring to the greater majority on internet dating sites) are perfectly satisfied describing themselves with adjectives and common phrases. You all (and by all I mean 90 percent of you) are the following things: fun, outgoing, down to earth, love to stay in, but also go out, love your family, and love your friends. That’s great and I’m sure all these things are true, not that it matters. What is striking is that women (yes, internet daters) would rather list a string of supposedly desirable characteristics than write an interesting profile. I could ask why. But, I suppose there are several reasons. I am just hoping the main reason isn’t that they are not capable of doing so. Meaning go ahead and tell me you're intelligent despite your profile of mispelled words. As long as you have a reason for it.
It’s almost more interesting when I come across a profile with the headline, “not trashy and not looking to hook up,” which is then followed by pictures of the very same girl posing in front of the mirror in thigh highs and showing enough cleavage to fill my morning orange juice glass.
Also it seems a lot of you want a "real man," that doesn't "play games." Those two statements are only in 75.6 percent of all profiles. I'm not sure what either means except apparantly most of you don't desire a Robot that plays Pictionary.
Perhaps the worst part about all of this is that you (the internet dater I might or might not be referring to) expect a witty e-mail from a male in pursuit of your fun, outgoing, down to earth self. Some even go as far as to request it. Many profiles say things like, “don’t come at me with hey what’s up” or “if you write me have something original to say, not just how’s your day.” Or some say something in the vein of “I’m going to delete your e-mail if you come at me with, hey ma, what’s crackalacking soul sister,” (Ok I made that last one up).
What’s left? We are all judged based upon how we look. This is a consequence of the mass of unoriginally written profiles (87.45 percent of profiles). There is nothing left to separate one women from another. I guess it should not come as much surprise that internet dating has evolved into a microcosm of superficiality and materialism, which engulfs our society. But, I am not here to discuss that. The point is...Wait, what's the point :)"
Take away lesson: Keep things positive, even if it's a struggle.
I encountered a profile of a 30-year old in New York whose headline was "No drama please". By far, the most obnoxious profile I ever came across was that of a psychotherapist. He was a decent looking guy and with my background in psychology, I thought there could be a common ground between us and perhaps chemistry, so I read the profile. I'll let you be the judge of who needs therapy.
Here is his profile:
"About me: Psychotherapist. Singer/songwriter. Very active. Extremely athletic. Foodie. Concert-goer. Bar-hopper. Witty. Driven. Kind-hearted. Competitive. Free-spirited. I'm what you get if Sigmeund Freud and Amy Winehouse had a **stard child. Meaning I'm an analytical thinker that loves to party. But, somehow I didn't develop a bad drug habit.
About you: You are bold, kind, and attempting to be peaceful. Your concerns in life are how to be a better person, how to enjoy little moments, and how to cope with the issues in the world today. Materialistic demands are inconsequential. Mostly, you are on a path to knowing who you are and we can share that journey together. Unfortunately, most on here seem to be Gucci on the outside and Kmart on the inside, so this might be a stretch.
About us: We are best friends whom kiss. We travel. We laugh, dance, and frolic (literally and figuratively). We cherish our moments together, yet respect each others independence. We enjoy other's company whether we are people-watching on a bench or during a crazy night out. It's good times. It's special. It's little moments.
****INTERNET DATING****
In my experience, I’ve learned that nobody is going to read what I’m about to write. Yet, I’m writing and posting it anyway, so not sure what that says about me. Actually, that’s not fair. A few people will read this essay. Most will assume it’s over-analysis because I’m a psychologist. And your assumptions will be wrong. It’s commentary.
Apparently women (and when I refer to women, I’m referring to the greater majority on internet dating sites) are perfectly satisfied describing themselves with adjectives and common phrases. You all (and by all I mean 90 percent of you) are the following things: fun, outgoing, down to earth, love to stay in, but also go out, love your family, and love your friends. That’s great and I’m sure all these things are true, not that it matters. What is striking is that women (yes, internet daters) would rather list a string of supposedly desirable characteristics than write an interesting profile. I could ask why. But, I suppose there are several reasons. I am just hoping the main reason isn’t that they are not capable of doing so. Meaning go ahead and tell me you're intelligent despite your profile of mispelled words. As long as you have a reason for it.
It’s almost more interesting when I come across a profile with the headline, “not trashy and not looking to hook up,” which is then followed by pictures of the very same girl posing in front of the mirror in thigh highs and showing enough cleavage to fill my morning orange juice glass.
Also it seems a lot of you want a "real man," that doesn't "play games." Those two statements are only in 75.6 percent of all profiles. I'm not sure what either means except apparantly most of you don't desire a Robot that plays Pictionary.
Perhaps the worst part about all of this is that you (the internet dater I might or might not be referring to) expect a witty e-mail from a male in pursuit of your fun, outgoing, down to earth self. Some even go as far as to request it. Many profiles say things like, “don’t come at me with hey what’s up” or “if you write me have something original to say, not just how’s your day.” Or some say something in the vein of “I’m going to delete your e-mail if you come at me with, hey ma, what’s crackalacking soul sister,” (Ok I made that last one up).
What’s left? We are all judged based upon how we look. This is a consequence of the mass of unoriginally written profiles (87.45 percent of profiles). There is nothing left to separate one women from another. I guess it should not come as much surprise that internet dating has evolved into a microcosm of superficiality and materialism, which engulfs our society. But, I am not here to discuss that. The point is...Wait, what's the point :)"
Take away lesson: Keep things positive, even if it's a struggle.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Insta-Family
The decision of whether or not you are someone who is truly open to dating someone with kids is a big one. I've gone back and forth on this, but know it's definitely not my ideal situation. Several years ago, I agreed to go on a date with someone who had custody of his young child. I thought to myself, "Ok, maybe he's mature (which is often a challenge to fine) because he's had to grow up fast and become a father." Turned out, he had a more active social life than I did as a single person! Bascially, his parents were raising his kid so that he could sleep late, have a leisurely cup of coffee in the morning while he read the newspaper, and hit the bars 3 times a week. So, I swore off dating guys with kids for a while.
Recently, I came across an online dating profile for a guy who was clearly, CLEARLY a dad. Let me start by saying that I appreciate being upfront about it and not concealing it, but this was over the top. His screen name had the word "dad" incorporated into it, so that was the first tipoff. His profile went on and on about how he and the kids are getting on just fine and which night of the week he could go on a date due to the babysitter's availability. It was far too much for me. On the flipside, it was an eye opener to get a glimpse into the reality of dating someone with kids.
Take away message: Getting involved in the life of someone who has kids involved in their life is a big decision. Think long and hard before you find yourself too far down the road.
Recently, I came across an online dating profile for a guy who was clearly, CLEARLY a dad. Let me start by saying that I appreciate being upfront about it and not concealing it, but this was over the top. His screen name had the word "dad" incorporated into it, so that was the first tipoff. His profile went on and on about how he and the kids are getting on just fine and which night of the week he could go on a date due to the babysitter's availability. It was far too much for me. On the flipside, it was an eye opener to get a glimpse into the reality of dating someone with kids.
Take away message: Getting involved in the life of someone who has kids involved in their life is a big decision. Think long and hard before you find yourself too far down the road.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Mr. Right or Mr. Good Enough?
Some people have done it. Some people have suggested that I do it. What is "it"? Marrying someone you don't feel passion for. Basically, settling. "You could have married 'so and so'; you would have had a good life with him." That's what they tell me. Having been in a relationship or two without a lot of chemistry and feeling what a struggle it was, I know there is no way I could do that for the rest of my life.
I came across an interesting artice on this topic recently (link is below) and the line that summed it up for me was: "When it comes to finding the love of your life, settling for Mr. (or Miss) Good Enough is a recipe for dissatisfaction, if not disaster."
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/is-there-such-a-thing-as-mr-good-enough-2498111/
Take away lesson: Know yourself and decide whether or not the wait is really worth waiting for. Be honest with yourself about whether or not you can endure a life without passionate love.
I came across an interesting artice on this topic recently (link is below) and the line that summed it up for me was: "When it comes to finding the love of your life, settling for Mr. (or Miss) Good Enough is a recipe for dissatisfaction, if not disaster."
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/is-there-such-a-thing-as-mr-good-enough-2498111/
Take away lesson: Know yourself and decide whether or not the wait is really worth waiting for. Be honest with yourself about whether or not you can endure a life without passionate love.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Dumb Move #2
Here is the second installation in a long line of "dumb moves" that I've experienced guys make. This one has to do with contacting people on a dating website. I received a really cheesy email from a guy. Sooo....I deleted it. Within a few short weeks, I received the same exact email from the same guy. This time, I didn't delete it.
Here's how I responded:
Here's how I responded:
“
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)