You Get What You Give

My last entry was about some females being unaware that the type of guys they are attracting is due to the messages they're putting out to the world. Perhaps no one better exemplifies this right now than Courtney from this season's The Bachelor.

Courtney has quickly become the antithesis of "America's sweetheart" and "the girl next door" as we watch her lure Ben (the poor sucker) with her body and her whimsical personality. Courtney strategically only shows her nasty ways to the other girls, one of whom dubbed her the "black widow spider". Talk show host, Ellen, even expressed to Ben how upset she was to see Ben be deceived by Courtney. We've seen Courtney, a model, cry about how she has been treated so poorly in the past by men who don't appreciate her for long. Whether it's skinny-dipping or removing her top, the girl uses sex appeal like it's her job and then wonders why men don't fully appreciate her and treat her with respect. Because you get what you give and what she gives off is nothing more than a cheap sexual thrill.

It's sadly clear that this is a girl with deeply rooted issues with men and with her self-image. I truly hope that she seeks therapy so that she can overcome her issues with herself and men.

Take Away Message: Take a look in the mirror. The issues you experience with others can't always be due to the other person. Once in a while, chances are the issue is you.

Good Advice from a Man-Be Mindful of What You Are Attracting

Many people seem to be unaware of the type of person they may be attracting in life because of messages they are putting out into the world. The messages they are sending may be in what they choose to wear, it may be in how they speak, or, as in this case, it may be in what they reveal (literally) in their online profiles.

Here is some good advice found in the profile of a 37-year old man from New Jersey: "PROFILES WITH THE CHEST/BOOB PICS; IF IN YOUR PROFILE YOU STATE YOU'RE UPSET BY ONLY GETTING EMAILS ABOUT YOUR BODY??? RU KIDDING??***** -IF YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE IDIOTS, GO TO THE NEXT PROFILE....INTELLECTUALLY WE WONT GET ALONG"

Here, it's clear that the females he's speaking about have a disconnect between what their profile says and the pictures they are posting because he indicates they have revealing photos and then complain that the only emails they receive are about their body.

Take Away Lesson: Everything you do and send sends information about you to the world. Be mindful of the messages you are sending.

Long Distance Love

Everyone knows that a long distance relationship comes with challenges. A friend of mine who is in a long distance relationship shared these ideas with me and I thought they were worth passing along.
In addition to the more obvious ways of feeling connected, like phone calls and Skype sessions, he got a bit more creative. He and his girlfriend will cook the same meal for dinner so that they "share" the meal together. The next idea was my favorite. While on the phone, they will start watching the same movie at the same exact time so that they can experience the movie together. So clever!

Take away lesson: When relationships pose challenges, get creative to find solutions!

Would I Be Dumb or Desperate...

The advantage of making someone comfortable on a date is that they open up to you. Yes, sometimes they will put their foot in their mouths, but that often reveals information you're better off knowing sooner rather than later. Case in point, last night's date. I was left thinking that I would HAVE to either be dumb or desperate (with really low self-esteem) to ever go on another date with this guy.

Towards the end of dinner, he started talking about an ex-girlfriend who was so jealous and had trust issues. (Everyone knows you're not supposed to discuss ex-partners on a first date, right?) He went on about it to the point that I asked if he ever gave her a reason not to trust him. "Wellll..." he said with a smirk. "I'm just a big flirt..." It got better from there. He told me that he dates constantly and even once he's reached the point of being "ehh, whatever" about the girl, he continues to date her because it's better than being home alone and bored. Gee, that makes a girl feel special! I'm so glad I learned about this on date #1 instead of #7, 8, or 9. There were some other red flags on the date, but this really sealed the deal. Bullet dodged.

Take Away Lesson: Take in as much information as you can on the first date. Listen carefully to how they tell you they've treated people in the past...it's likely how they will treat people in the future.

Online Pictures-A Big No No

I was left thinking, "Wow, this really takes it to a whole new level." But before I get to that...When posting pictures on your online dating profile (which I've discussed in other posts), one of the things I advise against is posting pictures of anything other than YOU! That includes lovely landscapes, cars, your dog, you get the point. My best guess is that these people want to show you their interests. Let's be real, people want to see what you look like. In your profile, you can tell us all about your canine "child" or your trip to Alaska. We'll ask to see pictures of those things once we start dating, which won't happen until I know if I'm physically attracted to you!

Here's where things really got out of control. I came across a profile with a few pictures. Mind you, there are a limit to the number of pictures most sites permit you to post, so it's not like there's an endless number of pictures you can post. This guy chose to use one of his photo slots for a picture of a squirrel. Yup, a squirrel. Albeit, it was some type of freak-of-nature white squirrel, which this guy seemed to think was pretty cool.

Some guys get it half right...they post pictures of themselves. The problem is, they also take the picture of themselves and it's usually in a bathroom. Yes, the seemingly ubiquitous bathroom mirror shot is really catching on. However, here's what took it to a whole new level. I found a guy who took the bathroom pic in a PUBLIC bathroom! Are you kidding me?! No, no, NO! No to the bathroom pics and a double no to public bathroom pics!

Take Away Lesson: On your online dating profile, the photos should only be of you...and shouldn't be taken in public bathrooms.

A Little Overbearing, Don't You Think?

I was about to begin a series of entries disecting the first date (which I'll do), but had to share this first. I received the following email and knew it was worth sharing with you. I read it to a friend of mine and her reaction had me cracking up. It's a bit long for an initial email...and the approach is, well, you can judge for yourself. Oh, I think the post script is my favorite part!

Here it is, in all its glory:

"LOVED the profile , but would love to get TO KNOW the woman behind all this, pics, words mean nothing ( everyone just has different looks/styles), it’s like a little commercial of yourself, so do your best lol, im not uased to meeting women this way I am a very confident friendly person most of all warm so people graviatate to men/women who are like that! I am a very settled, secure stable guy, got my SH1T together 100% and would like a dynamite woman to share some time with and grow from that point. I truly believe we should be best friends, laughter, love, joy and peace. That’s me in a nut shell, So if you’re romantic, open, at a good place in your life and have the time for someone awesome, want to be treated like a lady, not be cheated on (always hated that)are traditional, have strong family values, ethics/morals let’s talk….Chivalry my dear is NOT dead! Just looking for someone normal and genuine. BTW- you have an absolutely adorable smile and should NOT be single…
Write back, don’t over think this, happy New Year, you deserve the best “hint hint” LOL
Love to hear from you - NAME

PS most importantly no-one is perfect we all have flaws, looks wise and personality if you’re not so rigid in your approach to dating let’s see if we have some compatibility and magic, - what am I saying don’t dismiss me or this email so quickly………

FINAL THOUGH - AND NO I DID NOT CUT AND PASTE THIS TO EVERYONE ON POF, I CHOSE YOU… I LIKE YOU GIVE ME THE SAME COURTESY BACK!"

Take Away Lesson: Don't put so much pressure on someone when sending your first email. Keep it light...express interest (respectfully) and ask a question or two to demonstrate further interest.

Do the Dating "Experts" Really Know Anything?

Two out of the three most well-known matchmakers in the U.S. are single. Often, they catch a lot of flak for it. Since love is not a science, is it something that anyone can really claim to be an "expert" in? What would the qualifications be? A degree in a related field? Demonstrated success in a relationship? Maybe none of us (myself included) really know anything about making relationships work and it just all comes down to chemistry, timing, and the grace of God.

Dating websites like eHarmony make statements about patented systems that yield great accuracy in making matches. Can a computer system really find you true love? Oh, and pretty much all the sites claim to have the highest success rates...I'd like to know exactly how that is defined.

And then there's the reality shows. Can everlasting love be found and solidified in the matter of a few weeks?

So why do we do it? Why do we join the sites? Why do we watch the shows? Because it seems that as much as we may get in our own ways, we do want to connect with someone and find love.

Take away lesson: There's no harm in trying, but chances are, it's simply going to happen when it's meant to be. And when it does, the success will depend on the two people involved, not whether or not an "expert" facilitated making the match.