This is Why...

This is why so many girls are still single...well, one of the reasons. In a single day, I came across the following three things while on a dating site. First, a screen name of CanIBeYourPoohBear. Cute, perhaps? Not what I'm looking for. Then, another guy had a profile headline of, "Penis is a funny word". The grand prize goes to the guy who, while he gets points for honesty, certainly doesn't sound like husband material, by stating that his license is expired until September 2013 due to 2 DUI's! Now, ladies, ladies, no need to rush; all 3 of these winners ARE still available! Take away lesson: Sorry, but I cannot come up with a clever quip today. This is all just too depressing!

A Male Profile I Can Appreciate!

I may have found my match! Or, at least the male version of me! I came across this profile of a 36-year old in NJ and felt it was so spot on, that I had to tell him. Here's what it said: "Tried this for a bit now and so far I've found the following... - “Athletic” has somehow lost its meaning. Just because you wear sweats, doesnt make you athletic! - No one looks like their pics - People you are interested in, are usually not interested in you - Everyone is crazy… - People are to lazy to spell out full words (U R A QT). - If you’re excited about meeting someone, expect them to cancel last minute - If you’re not interested in someone, expect them to continue emailing you asking why you're not replying - Cougars are abundant... - Seems like everyone likes to take pics of themselves in the bathroom - wHy Do PeOpLe tYpE lIkE ThIs, OR IN ALL CAPS???? - Middle finger pics? Its not cool anymore... and still means FU! - Socially inept people. Please be able to add to a conversation! If we cant communicate via email, I doubt sitting face to face will be any better... Things I dont trust and you shouldn't either! - People with only one photo posted. - People with only self-taken pics. What no friends? - Pics from wacky angles or from 500ft away. - The Where's Waldo pics. Where every pic is of you and your 7 best friends. Leaving us to guess which one is you. - Fake profiles! I can spot them from a mile away. Thats a whole new level of sad... congrats! Done with my Rant – on to a little about me. I’m the following: - Brutally honest (sometimes to a fault) - Hard working – own a business and work my tail off - Faithful – comes with the honesty - Respectful with a combo of old school chivalry and new school equality - Picky and not willing to settle – hence being 36 single and never married… - Stubborn and proud, yet empathetic and pragmatic - Not religious… at all! Yet morally sound - Witty, fun and very sarcastic - Willing to put in the time, but not willing to waste it - Give me 100% and you will get it back. Same goes for 50%... *I'm very much looking for a relationship. I'm a one woman kind of guy and appreciate the same in return. **This may piss people off, so I apologize in advance. I DO NOT DATE BARTENDERS or STRIPPERS. Nothing personal - just a rule I live by *** Seriously, dont bother with the hate mail! If you dont like my profile, who cares... just click on the profile above/below mine and move on. If I dont get back to you I'm sorry, I either missed the email or I'm just not interested. I dont mind a friendly follow up, but calling me a jerk or anything else just makes you look foolish. You dont like it when a guy harasses you... the same goes for us! Anything else you want to know... just ask! I’m an open book." It's honest, it's direct, it's sarcastic....it's me! Take away message: I've never really bought into the whole "opposites attract" thing. I think similarities is the way to go.

I thought, "Oh, this should be good.", and I was right!

Too good not to share...had an email in my online dating inbox from a guy whose screen name was, "millionairebachelor". So, I said to myself, "Oh, this should be good." I opened up the email to find this,
"I have hired a matchmaking agency to screen all the women I am interested in. Due to discretion and the privacy involved in my businesses, I can't share any photos with you. Because of my busy schedule, it's difficult to find time for casual dating. These professionals I have hired, know me and know what I'm looking for. If interested in meeting me, you would need to be available to meet them at their office on Park Ave in New York City at your earliest convenience. If they determine we're a good match they will tell you more about me and we can meet! If things with us don't work out, they have a large network of single professional men in the New York City Area in their database. The meeting will be absolutely no cost to you. Would you be interested, I can send you more info and the name of the Senior Matchmaker I'm working for...don't worry this is not for tv"

Not sure if this is legit or not, so I'll file it in the, "I don't care either way, because I'm not interested." folder!

Overselling Yourself

Online dating is a bit like online shopping...for people. We scroll through person after person, reading their product description. When you have an online dating profile, you're selling yourself. Of course, you want to entice the buyer! Similarly, if you take the leap to send the first email, sometimes some of this "sales" information will be included, as well. But, in this case, I think this 29-year old guy from NJ went a bit overboard. I'll let you be the judge.

"Hey I am (name removed) and I am 29 from tinton falls area NJ Is there any chance you
are looking for a guy who would make it his mission to always keep you happy and
smiling,not start stupid arguments, not just try and get sex all the time like most
guys on here who will work out for you and also open doors for you and who wouldn't
call you excessively or stop you from going out with your girlfiends?

I am willing to be as perfect a boyfriend for you as I
can be I didn't copy and paste this to anyone else so please
appreciate that.

So anyways please send a message back if you are ready to be happy in life."

Takeaway lesson: Try to sell yourself in a genuine and modest way.

What's in a (Screen)Name?

When you're looking at someone'e online dating profile, you should take in as much information as possible...look at their pictures (obviously), read what they wrote, AND, look at their screen name. Names like "BadBoy001" or "Mother'sNightmare" should tell you something. First, it should tell you they're not too bright! Second, well, just run for the hills.
I was contacted (several times) by a guy with a screen name of "NotSoSmart". I can say, at least he was honest! His emails always consisted of one word and, on occasion, a punctuation mark. The word was, "Hi". That's it! Nothing more, nothing less. Tired of dealing with not so smart guys, he eventually got himself blocked by me.

Takeaway lesson: Find a screen name that doesn't hurt your chances!

If Chivalry Isn't Dead, It's on Life Support

I recently caught up with a friend I hadn't seen in a few months. I asked her if there was any news on the dating front. She said she went on a date about a month ago with a guy from Match.com. They grabbed a drink together and when the $12 bill came, HE ASKED HER IF SHE WANTED TO SPLIT THE BILL! I was in shock when I heard this story. For a decent first date, tip alone could be $12 and this guy asked her to split a check that totaled $12!

Where is the chivalry? Where is the effort? Where are the "proper" first dates? This was not a proper first date and I contend it wasn't even a date.

Takeaway message: Guys, if you ask someone out (especially for a first date), you are expected to pay. A few dates in, a good girl will offer to split or pay.

Dissecting a First Date-What to Wear

Most importantly, your attire for a first date should be appropriate for where you are going on the date. Guys, you wouldn't want to wear flipflops to a nice restaurant and ladies, you wouldn't want to be in heels to go on a hike (by the way, a hike would not be my first choice for a first date, but I did go on a hike for a third date, once).

Second, you want to go fairly neutral and middle of the road. What I mean by that is, while there may be some unusual, attention-grabbing items in your wardrobe or jewelry collection, don't make a first impression with those items.

Next, put in effort...a little more effort than on a typical day. No one want to feel like you didn't care enough about the date to present yourself well.

Ladies, this one is really only aimed at you...I think most girls would agree (as would Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stanger), that there are some fashion trends that we love and understand, that men will never really get or appreciate. So, if your date is with a guy, dress for the guy, not for girls. Men are visual, so it doesn't take too much wisdom to realize that you should play up your best features--in a tasteful way!

Takeaway lesson: When it comes to a first date, put in effort, keep your attire appropriate and middle-of-the-road.

Help Wanted!

Help! I'm drowning in cheese! I can't take the cheesy emails that I receive from guys on dating sites. Look, I know it's hard to send that initial email, so I'll give them some points for creativity, but some of these are just too much.

I wasn't planning to share this one, but a few friends got a kick out of it (literally cracked up laughing), so I guess it's worth sharing! Again, since I didn't plan to share it, I didn't save the email, but it went something like this...I opened up the email and it basically said, "Congratulations! You've won a free toaster! Well, you haven't won a free toaster, but you get to talk to me, which is better!" I guess guys think they are employing tactics that will work with a certain type of girl...and I guess I'm not that type of girl!

Somewhat along the same lines is one I received today from a 36-year old guy in NJ. Pretty straight and to the point, the email simply said,
"Why don't we have plans for this weekend?"

Take Away Lesson: Gimmicks may work with a small percent of the population who can apprectiate the humor, but being genuine is probably the better approach.

You Get What You Give

My last entry was about some females being unaware that the type of guys they are attracting is due to the messages they're putting out to the world. Perhaps no one better exemplifies this right now than Courtney from this season's The Bachelor.

Courtney has quickly become the antithesis of "America's sweetheart" and "the girl next door" as we watch her lure Ben (the poor sucker) with her body and her whimsical personality. Courtney strategically only shows her nasty ways to the other girls, one of whom dubbed her the "black widow spider". Talk show host, Ellen, even expressed to Ben how upset she was to see Ben be deceived by Courtney. We've seen Courtney, a model, cry about how she has been treated so poorly in the past by men who don't appreciate her for long. Whether it's skinny-dipping or removing her top, the girl uses sex appeal like it's her job and then wonders why men don't fully appreciate her and treat her with respect. Because you get what you give and what she gives off is nothing more than a cheap sexual thrill.

It's sadly clear that this is a girl with deeply rooted issues with men and with her self-image. I truly hope that she seeks therapy so that she can overcome her issues with herself and men.

Take Away Message: Take a look in the mirror. The issues you experience with others can't always be due to the other person. Once in a while, chances are the issue is you.

Good Advice from a Man-Be Mindful of What You Are Attracting

Many people seem to be unaware of the type of person they may be attracting in life because of messages they are putting out into the world. The messages they are sending may be in what they choose to wear, it may be in how they speak, or, as in this case, it may be in what they reveal (literally) in their online profiles.

Here is some good advice found in the profile of a 37-year old man from New Jersey: "PROFILES WITH THE CHEST/BOOB PICS; IF IN YOUR PROFILE YOU STATE YOU'RE UPSET BY ONLY GETTING EMAILS ABOUT YOUR BODY??? RU KIDDING??***** -IF YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE IDIOTS, GO TO THE NEXT PROFILE....INTELLECTUALLY WE WONT GET ALONG"

Here, it's clear that the females he's speaking about have a disconnect between what their profile says and the pictures they are posting because he indicates they have revealing photos and then complain that the only emails they receive are about their body.

Take Away Lesson: Everything you do and send sends information about you to the world. Be mindful of the messages you are sending.

Long Distance Love

Everyone knows that a long distance relationship comes with challenges. A friend of mine who is in a long distance relationship shared these ideas with me and I thought they were worth passing along.
In addition to the more obvious ways of feeling connected, like phone calls and Skype sessions, he got a bit more creative. He and his girlfriend will cook the same meal for dinner so that they "share" the meal together. The next idea was my favorite. While on the phone, they will start watching the same movie at the same exact time so that they can experience the movie together. So clever!

Take away lesson: When relationships pose challenges, get creative to find solutions!

Would I Be Dumb or Desperate...

The advantage of making someone comfortable on a date is that they open up to you. Yes, sometimes they will put their foot in their mouths, but that often reveals information you're better off knowing sooner rather than later. Case in point, last night's date. I was left thinking that I would HAVE to either be dumb or desperate (with really low self-esteem) to ever go on another date with this guy.

Towards the end of dinner, he started talking about an ex-girlfriend who was so jealous and had trust issues. (Everyone knows you're not supposed to discuss ex-partners on a first date, right?) He went on about it to the point that I asked if he ever gave her a reason not to trust him. "Wellll..." he said with a smirk. "I'm just a big flirt..." It got better from there. He told me that he dates constantly and even once he's reached the point of being "ehh, whatever" about the girl, he continues to date her because it's better than being home alone and bored. Gee, that makes a girl feel special! I'm so glad I learned about this on date #1 instead of #7, 8, or 9. There were some other red flags on the date, but this really sealed the deal. Bullet dodged.

Take Away Lesson: Take in as much information as you can on the first date. Listen carefully to how they tell you they've treated people in the past...it's likely how they will treat people in the future.

Online Pictures-A Big No No

I was left thinking, "Wow, this really takes it to a whole new level." But before I get to that...When posting pictures on your online dating profile (which I've discussed in other posts), one of the things I advise against is posting pictures of anything other than YOU! That includes lovely landscapes, cars, your dog, you get the point. My best guess is that these people want to show you their interests. Let's be real, people want to see what you look like. In your profile, you can tell us all about your canine "child" or your trip to Alaska. We'll ask to see pictures of those things once we start dating, which won't happen until I know if I'm physically attracted to you!

Here's where things really got out of control. I came across a profile with a few pictures. Mind you, there are a limit to the number of pictures most sites permit you to post, so it's not like there's an endless number of pictures you can post. This guy chose to use one of his photo slots for a picture of a squirrel. Yup, a squirrel. Albeit, it was some type of freak-of-nature white squirrel, which this guy seemed to think was pretty cool.

Some guys get it half right...they post pictures of themselves. The problem is, they also take the picture of themselves and it's usually in a bathroom. Yes, the seemingly ubiquitous bathroom mirror shot is really catching on. However, here's what took it to a whole new level. I found a guy who took the bathroom pic in a PUBLIC bathroom! Are you kidding me?! No, no, NO! No to the bathroom pics and a double no to public bathroom pics!

Take Away Lesson: On your online dating profile, the photos should only be of you...and shouldn't be taken in public bathrooms.

A Little Overbearing, Don't You Think?

I was about to begin a series of entries disecting the first date (which I'll do), but had to share this first. I received the following email and knew it was worth sharing with you. I read it to a friend of mine and her reaction had me cracking up. It's a bit long for an initial email...and the approach is, well, you can judge for yourself. Oh, I think the post script is my favorite part!

Here it is, in all its glory:

"LOVED the profile , but would love to get TO KNOW the woman behind all this, pics, words mean nothing ( everyone just has different looks/styles), it’s like a little commercial of yourself, so do your best lol, im not uased to meeting women this way I am a very confident friendly person most of all warm so people graviatate to men/women who are like that! I am a very settled, secure stable guy, got my SH1T together 100% and would like a dynamite woman to share some time with and grow from that point. I truly believe we should be best friends, laughter, love, joy and peace. That’s me in a nut shell, So if you’re romantic, open, at a good place in your life and have the time for someone awesome, want to be treated like a lady, not be cheated on (always hated that)are traditional, have strong family values, ethics/morals let’s talk….Chivalry my dear is NOT dead! Just looking for someone normal and genuine. BTW- you have an absolutely adorable smile and should NOT be single…
Write back, don’t over think this, happy New Year, you deserve the best “hint hint” LOL
Love to hear from you - NAME

PS most importantly no-one is perfect we all have flaws, looks wise and personality if you’re not so rigid in your approach to dating let’s see if we have some compatibility and magic, - what am I saying don’t dismiss me or this email so quickly………

FINAL THOUGH - AND NO I DID NOT CUT AND PASTE THIS TO EVERYONE ON POF, I CHOSE YOU… I LIKE YOU GIVE ME THE SAME COURTESY BACK!"

Take Away Lesson: Don't put so much pressure on someone when sending your first email. Keep it light...express interest (respectfully) and ask a question or two to demonstrate further interest.

Do the Dating "Experts" Really Know Anything?

Two out of the three most well-known matchmakers in the U.S. are single. Often, they catch a lot of flak for it. Since love is not a science, is it something that anyone can really claim to be an "expert" in? What would the qualifications be? A degree in a related field? Demonstrated success in a relationship? Maybe none of us (myself included) really know anything about making relationships work and it just all comes down to chemistry, timing, and the grace of God.

Dating websites like eHarmony make statements about patented systems that yield great accuracy in making matches. Can a computer system really find you true love? Oh, and pretty much all the sites claim to have the highest success rates...I'd like to know exactly how that is defined.

And then there's the reality shows. Can everlasting love be found and solidified in the matter of a few weeks?

So why do we do it? Why do we join the sites? Why do we watch the shows? Because it seems that as much as we may get in our own ways, we do want to connect with someone and find love.

Take away lesson: There's no harm in trying, but chances are, it's simply going to happen when it's meant to be. And when it does, the success will depend on the two people involved, not whether or not an "expert" facilitated making the match.